The Shadows Fall Behind Me

| August 20, 2013 | 11 Comments

A few weeks ago my family and I went to a cottage for the weekend. It was to act as our ‘mini getaway’ of the summer. Since our children are still quite young (Our daughters, ‘the ladies’ are three and our son ‘Canty-boy’ is one) we opted out of travelling or camping this year. For us, it just seemed like a lot of stress to choose to put on ourselves. Our kids seem to have the same awe and fascination with travelling as they do with a day trip to  a new park. We figured there it only a short window of time in their lives that we can tell them that a trip to an out-of-town park is a vacation. We decided to take advantage it this year.

The  first morning we were on our mini vacation, everyone was so tired that they all slept in past their usual wake up time. The only bodies stirring were of my own and my sweet baby boy. Since the cottage had a feel of slumber and peaceful dreams, I decided to take my little guy for an early morning walk. I wrapped him tight in his moby wrap, face pressed gently to my chest and body secured upon mine and we set off.

The morning was beautiful. The type of morning I dream of on a regular basis. It was a complete shift to my regular wake up routine of chaos. We shared the dirt road with rabbits and chipmunks. The dew glistened on petals of the wildflowers and the sun was rising over the field. It was truly magical.

As we walked, my sweet Canty-boy fell right back asleep against my chest. He is now one year old and rarely does this anymore. When he was first-born he lived in his wrap or his sling. Those pieces of fabric saved my life. He could nap happily while the ladies and I went to the park, on a walk or to a playgroup. I had forgotten how it felt to have a baby sleep on your chest, that feeling of peace and connection. The calm that is felt from a sleeping baby pressed up again your heart is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

I was drinking in this moment. He soft breath creating the beat of our walk as we glided along our path. I was high on life and feeling peaceful. I wanted to take this in for all it was worth. I wanted to bottle up this peace and remember it for days to come.

Unfortunately peaceful has not be a feeling that I get a lot of these days. With three kids and a home daycare, my days are usually far from peaceful.

On our good days, it is filled with laughter and fun. Chaotic and wild times. Paint and play dough. I get to experience first hand the intensity and awesomeness that is ‘the life of a child’. When I am open to learn from them, I am reminded on how to have fun and to play. I am reminded that life is too short to be too serious. If I am willing to open my eyes, slow down and look they show me life through their eyes. The awe and fascination. The beauty and intensity. On my good days, peaceful is not something that I would use to describe my day but amazing it is.

On our bad days I am filled with frustration and irritation.  There are tears and meltdowns. Fighting and food strikes. The days can feel long and my patience too short. On these days I forget about play and beauty. I wonder why my kids are acting like such…kids. I lose my sight to my emotion. On these days I go to bed with the sinking feeling in my stomach. I share the bed with my ‘Mama guilt’.  I feel bad for the attitude I had towards my children. I tear myself down and end up feeling awful. I figure that everyone in the world who is a parent is a better parent then I am. I berate myself on my inability to be my best at all times and wonder why everyone else seems to have it together. On my bad days, peaceful is the farthest thing from what I feel.  Lost is how I would describe those days.

While on our walk, I had the time and the space to really meditate and reflect on these feelings. I was able to clearly see that life is made up of the highs and the lows. The light and the dark. We are all on a journey, each of us on our own path. Sometimes we are travelling light and airy and other times we are travelling heavy and burdened, but nonetheless we are all travelling. We are all trying our best with what we were given. I decided in that moment to notice the scenery more. To calm down and not be so serious. To take witness to the energy of my surrounding and enjoy my walk, with my babies all around me and the sun beating down on us.

‘Turn your face into the sun and let the shadows fall behind you.’

omcshadows

 

Much love,

Jessica

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Category: Moms, Moms Wellness, Wellness

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Comments (11)

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  1. Lauren says:

    Beautifully written!

  2. Sarah Lynn says:

    One of my favourite things to do is walk the gravel road behind my grandpa’s cottage for all the things that you mention. Nature is (sometimes) so peaceful and can really help centre you. So happy you and your son got to experience this together!

  3. What a beautiful post – time for some reflection. Thanks for the inspiration!

  4. Nature is so precious: help us unwind and recharge batteries

  5. Jennifer says:

    this is so beautiful, I loved every word. sometimes these moments come to us a the least expected moment, but nature can be soothing for sure. a great time to reflect

  6. Jessica you lost me in your words as I reflected on our similar day’s being a SAHM. I couldn’t agree more with you on all accounts. Those little pieces of fabric brought me so much happiness when my 4 children where tight on my chest. Very well written! Thanks for the moment to stop and reflect!

  7. Lovely, lovely post. Thanks for sharing. I love the part about the baby falling asleep on your chest. So wonderful!

  8. Meri says:

    Nature at its best!! We love walking as a family…great sunday routine!

  9. Brenda A. says:

    How beautiful! Being a parent certainly is filled with emotions of all extremes. That is what makes life so interesting!

  10. Lynn M says:

    So true,getting outside enjoying nature and the fresh air clears our minds and welcomes positive energy!

  11. kathy downey says:

    Such a beautiful post,i love Nature and its amazing creatures,some mornings in my backyard i see Rabbits or Moose

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