Well, let’s just get this out-of-the-way already. There really is no getting over a miscarriage. Especially after you’ve had multiple ones, but it does get better.
Let’s start at the beginning. Back in April I had my first miscarriage. We had JUST started trying at the start of march, and one day I had some slightly intense cramping and some bleeding. By that night everything was gone, so I go sort of excited, because we had been trying and maybe this was implantation? I ran out to the store and took some pregnancy tests. All of them came back positive. So on my way to the doctors I went! I was beaming and happy. The doctor’s test came back positive as well, so the next step was to confirm with a blood test. It took about a week for results and they didn’t come back well. My HCG was only 8. Which apparently is very low, to low to even really show up on a test… so we did it again and my numbers went down to a 1 two days later. I was so sad. The doctors all told me, this can be normal and it was either so early, or it was a chemical pregnancy. Try and try again!
I was sad, but I had only known I was “pregnant” for like 2 days, and it turns out I had already miscarried that day I had pain. I was bummed for a few days, but it never really hit me hard. We just took it as a blessing it didn’t happen later on and we’d try again. Well let’s turn to last month. As you know it has been a CRAZY CRAZY month. Between temper tantrums and Gailanne’s surgery, I’m surprised I haven’t gone bald and crazy…
Over the last 6 months I had been keeping an eye on my cycles and all those lovely female changes. We had been leaving things up to the big man upstairs, but it didn’t hurt to had an idea of when I ovulate. Lets just say we had lots of fun. It took what felt like forever, but July came around and I just had a feeling this was going to be THE month. My period never came.. well that’s kind of lie… I was super impatient and tested a bit early. THANK YOU FIRST RESPONSE!
Well, there was those two little beautiful pink lines and my heart and body jumped for joy! We were pregnant again!
Doctors confirmed it twice with blood work, and those numbers were on the rise! Such a HUGE relief. As you can bet I was soooo crazy nervous because I had the previous miscarriage and I really didn’t want that to happen again. The doctors thought based on my numbers I was a bit farther along then what we originally thought so that was exciting as well. The only for sure way to date the pregnancy was via ultrasound, so we had booked and were waiting to go. The doctors were thinking I was close to 6-7 weeks along.
Well then all the craziness happened. Gailanne had her surgery, and thankfully during that time my mom and sister were already on their way up for a visit. Well it wasn’t two minutes after they walked into the door, that they figured everything out. Apparently they could just tell. So the cat was out of the bag. I couldn’t in good faith hide it from the rest of our immediate family, so the beans were spilt. (Sorry for all the puns!) Everyone was so happy, things seemed perfect. Gailanne recovered from surgery, our visit was awesome and we even decided to tell our friends. We knew it was early but by this time I was almost 9 weeks and I thought everything was fine.
I came up with this cute idea with Starbucks cups to announce it and everything! Things were perfect.
Then not two days later…… my world was …. there are no words.
I had some cramping. Worse than normal, enough to notice and then some bleeding. I called my doctor and she told me it can be perfectly normal, but if it gets worse go to the hospital. Well things got worse. Way worse. Of course right after my husband got to work. So I was now stuck at home with my son. Thank god for my friends Leah and Chris. They came over in a heartbeat, drove me to the hospital and stayed with Marshall until Dylan could get home. Due to Dylan’s work, he couldn’t get home until midnight, so unfortunately I was at the hospital alone.
What a crazy horrible experience…
I get to the E.R. and all they did was tell me to sit down and wait… I’M LOOSING MY BABY! DON’T YOU CARE!? There was nothing they could do… just sit and wait, sit and wait. Maybe everything’s ok? No too much bleeding and pain.. Well maybe there’s hope? This was literally me for hours. One minute I would be bawling (I probably looked crazy) and the next minute I was thinking, no-no it’ll be fine. Well it wasn’t. After 7 hours of waiting, blood work and an ultrasound, they all came back with bad news. It felt like a sick joke.
I was angry. I’m a religious person and I just thought to myself: God why in the hell would you do this to me? Bless us with another child. Make us so happy, just to dash it all apart! How dare you? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening AGAIN! It was a dark place. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but now what do I do? I just announced to everyone our happy news. I don’t want to have this conversation 100 times. So I took to Facebook. It was the fastest way to get it all over with (excluding telling our family).
I just wanted to crawl into my bed and never come out, but I’m a mom so that’s not an option. My amazing husband totally stepped in and said no you’re allowed and deserve to be upset. No one can tell you how to feel so just feel how you feel. He took such amazing care of me. Basically did everything and took care of Marshall. Even though I didn’t really want to talk to people, I had some amazing people step up anyways. Some amazing women from church made up some dinners, and came and chatted with me. They two had miscarriages and knew exactly how I was feeling.
It’s hard to know how to feel or act, or even what to say when you’ve had one, or are around someone who has. There is no getting this back, and no getting over it.
I don’t know why this was reassuring, but after talking with the doctor I found out that 1 in 4 woman miscarry. Also that within the first trimester, your chances of marrying are 75%. THAT’S CRAZY HIGH. I had no clue that it is so common. I guess it’s also somewhat comforting to know that it doesn’t mean something is wrong, but we won’t know for sure, and there is nothing the doctors can do unless I have one more miscarriage. That is frustrating to me. It’s a horrible waiting game.
It’s also weird how your emotions fluctuate during this whole ordeal. One minute I think I’m doing fine and I get up to go to the bathroom and then BAM! I’m not.
You get a lot of comments when this happens to. All trying to comfort you of course, for me it was nice but made it worse. My family kept checking in on me an asking how I was doing. This actually just made it worse for me. A constant reminder of what I lost. I finally just told everyone I wanted to move on and that I couldn’t keep talking about it. It was too hard. Still is.
At one point, I felt like I should be fine, I should be over this and I kept apologizing to my husband for dwelling on it. He was so amazing and told me never to feel that way. We lost a baby, we’ll never get over it but it will get easier. We’d never forget what happened but one day it would just less hurt. He was right. One day it did just get better.
There are still times, where I can’t look at my newsfeed because so many people are happily pregnant or announcing, but its easier now. I’m genuinely happy for them. Recently in church my pastor talked about how god gives us storms in our lives. How he is showing us what we can survive, and he was right. I can survive these miscarriages, and I know this is not something God has done to me, but just another thing I have to overcome. My anger is gone. I know one day we will have another child, I have to keep believing that.
I read this quote somewhere, and it really touched me, so I created a little picture.
I hope none of you have to experience a miscarriage. All I can say, if you do, I’m here and I do know how you feel. Don’t let anyone put a time frame on how you feel or what you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to get over it. There is no getting over it, just getting through it.
Until next time,